Letters from Mom

Hello my sweet girlies,

Yesterday I was talking on the phone with Miss Ann, she was telling me about a friend of Melanie's that is going thru a very difficult time, she is "cutting" and even talking about committing suicide.  Miss Ann had the opportunity to talk to her and she said "I just wish my mom would say that she is proud of me and stop yelling at me and having me work all the time."  It broke my heart to think of a young girl wondering if her mom is proud of her or even loves her and then I thought about myself... not necessarily given to soft words.  So... today I wrote each of you a letter.  I will give them to you when I pick you up from school but I wanted to preserve them for you here in my soulnotes for you, so you will always know my heart for you.

 Melia,

I just wanted to write you a note to let you know that I am proud of you.  I don't always say what I think.  I so desperately want you to have a pain free life that often the words that I say are meant to teach you, to instruct you, to push you, to protect  you and I don't take the time to tell you how wonderful you are.  Your passion to be good and right, the way you love your sisters and your friends so much that you try to help them do good and right too.  The way you love God and pray and share scripture so boldly at school makes me so proud of who you are.  I want to be more like you! Chalyn once told me how you worship with beautiful abandon not caring what the other kids think.  Don't ever lose that!  It's so beautiful and inspiring to the people around you.  Love God out loud! You, Melia, He YOU special for His glory!

I love your beauty, how blessed you are to not just be beautiful in your attitude and love for God and the people around you but also in physical beauty.  I pray that you will use it to draw people to you and then on them with the love of Jesus.

When I talk about you or describe you to people I say thing like:
-  she has a deep desire to do good and right, to please God , her teachers, her friends and her parents.
-  she is a prayer warrior.  If you ask her to pray about something you can rest assured that she will.
-  she is bold in her faith and her willingness to tell others about Jesus.
-  she is drop dead gorgeous, so beautiful!

Melia, I wish that I knew how to let praise flow from my mouth more freely but please know that just below all the teaching, instruction, pushing etc. is a heart bursting with love and pride!  I am so blessed that you are my daughter and so inspired by who God created you to be.  And  even when it may sound like I am disappointed in you or don't think you are good enough it is absolutely  not that.  I think you are amazing in every single way! and I only want for you to have the best and most fulfilling life possible.

I love you.
Mom

Sabrina,  

Can I just say that having twins has been the most wonderful and most difficult thing I have ever done and experienced in my life. 

I wanted to write you a letter today so that I could have my heart with you.  I know that I am not the mooshiest mom out there.  I know that most of my words are used to push you to be all that you are capable of.  To teach you, how to be the best person you can be, how to clean and be responsible etc. and I am afraid that because of that you might no know just how crazy I am about you!  I love that you are so much like your dad! I love that I see him every time I look at you! I love your spunky little character, your joy for life, your fabulous laugh fill my heart!  Your goofy sense of style, a perfect example is the picture of you on the dinosaur  at the gas station on the way home from South Dakota, one shoe, pajama bottoms, sunglasses and yet you look amazing!  I wanna be just like you!  I love your natural ability of athletics, I was never like that. And that you are always ready to have fun! you  are a vibrant ray of beautiful sunshine.  

You are truly a blessing of joy and happiness. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Your smile lights up the house! Your curiosity and zest for life are contagious and I know that God has amazing things for you to do.  I love that you are adaptable and just as easily play with the boys as you can play with the girls. 

Every time I see you are church or at school I think to myself how did I get so blessed to be Sabrina's mom?  You might be messy and scattered but I think you are amazing, creative, adventurous, curious and full of life!  I can't wait to see what you and God will do! 

I love you! 

Mom

Ry Ry,

This morning I just wanted to stop all the things that I am trying to get done and write you a note.   I know that most of the time I am in full on teacher mode.  Teaching you now to be responsible by having you do chores, teaching you how to be a good wife and mom someday by having you clean your room and take care of the animals and teaching you about God and how to protect yourself from Satan that I wonder if sometimes you don't know how amazing I thing you are.  So today I wanted to stop for a minute and tell you!  You are such a tender blessing to me.  you look so much lke me and that is so dear and specail to me.  God has given you such a deep and soulful personality .  Some kids are funny but you have this grown up wittiness that just make me laugh right out loud.  Even Miss Ann has commented on how funny you are and the cool thing about it is you aren't even trying to be funny it's just this beautiful natural thing that is uniquely Ryanne.

I love the way you think and how you talk about things.  You are so deep and soulful I am having a hard time explaining it in words but it is captivating and wonderfully comforting.  You remind me of the feeling I get when it is snowing outside, the house is filled with the smell of cookies in the oven, a romantic and funny movie is on TV and I am curled up in a blanket with my family safe and all around me.  How do you do that?  You are the best feeling ever! You are calm and relaxed yet strong and determined.  In some ways a beautiful mystery.  Perhaps it is because you have literally been face to face with Jesus.  Like Moses, it has made you radiant in a way that is indescribable.

You and your sisters are the perfect 3!  If ever I was in trouble... Melia would be a well of hope, Sabrina a ray of sunshine and you would be assurance of something bigger a calm and beautiful source of indescribable strength.

I love you.

Mom

Now is the time...

This little monster and I have a lot in common!  Back before you were born there was a popular kid's movie called "Monster's Inc".  This little guy, a main character in the film,  is Mike Wazowski and one of my favorite lines from the movie is when Mike tells his buddy Sulley that "Now is the time to PANIC!!"

Many times the circumstances of this life can leave me feeling exactly the same way.  Today was one of those days.

Our life has been, shall we say, "interesting" since your dad was laid off 7 years ago.  The security of a nice big steady paycheck has been long since gone.  But despite the numbers God has been faithful to provide.  Oh, the stories I could tell, but that is for another night.

The past year has been particularly "interesting".  I am not entirely sure the details are necessary and seeings how it's midnight (again) I may just skip to the point of my story.

After church you and I stopped for a bite to eat on our way home (dad was off to orchestra), while waiting for our food, I decided to check my email (first mistake... I should have left my phone in my purse and played another round of "Eye Spy" with Sabrina).  I opened an email from our accountant.  Any email that starts out with "I hate to be the bearer of bad news" is not a good one! TAXES!!  The news was not good.  Not good at all.  And I suddenly felt a lot like Mike Wazowski, "Now is the time to PANIC!!"

My eyes began to fill with tears and I tried to choke out a few silent prayers in between the waves of mounting panic.  I am so grateful that God has pursued me in His word these last several years, I have learned so much.  One of those things being that I should run to Him and no one else when I feel like "Mike".  When we got home, you girls went outside to play and I forced myself to grab my Bible and spend sometime with God.  I resisted the temptation to call a friend, to text your dad or eat a bowl of ice cream!  The only source of peace for this storm would be God Almighty.

Now here's just a few fun facts... God is so AWESOME!!!
1.  The message at church this morning was on Luke 8 when Jesus and his disciples got into a boat on the sea of Galilee and Jesus said "Come, let's go to the other side".  Half way into their trip... big huge scary storm.  Pastor told us all about how sometimes Jesus leads us into a storm to show us something about ourselves (for the disciples it was a lack of faith).  For me I was faced with the presence of unbelief in my life.  Oh I believe, but dear Lord help me in my unbelief!! (Mark 9:25)  I can say all day long, "the Lord will provide" but the truth is, I have this little nest egg over here just in case He doesn't. It's true that my last "nest egg" just got taken away, but now I have the opportunity to find out what it really feels like to wholly lean on Jesus.  No more plan B's or safety nets for  Cija.
2.  I recently started a new Bible study here at home, I am just a couple of weeks in.  The author of the study has been highlighting the Names of God as they appear in our text.  Yesterday I learned about the name give to God by Hagar "the God who sees me", I found myself reminding myself over and over today the God sees me and knows my situation.  In the lesson I did today, the name was El Shaddiah, God Almighty.  And wouldn't you know that today I would need to hear in the pit of unbelief that my God not only sees me He is ALL mighty!!

God hasn't miraculously changed my situation but He is changing my heart from one that is poised to panic at the first sign of trouble to one that is confident in the Almighty God, who sees me.

Oh my sweet girlies, I love you so so much!  And I will always try to be here for you when you feel the storms of life all around you but when you need real peace His is the face you should seek!

Do Not Be Afraid

Hello My Sweet Girlies,

I find it hard to even start this entry, it has been a sad and tragic few days.  This past friday an young man, just 20 years old entered an elementary school and shot and killed 27 people.  20 of them being children, just 6 and 7 years old.  It can be terrifying to live in a world filled with such evil.  

I wasn't sure that I was going to tell you about the shooting, we had a terrible shooting here in Colorado at a movie theater just a few months ago and you girls are just so young, but I wasn't given a choice, the school made the decision to tell the kids.  As you piled in the car you asked "Mom! Did you hear about the shooting that happened?  77 kindergarteners were shot!"  On the way home, I prayed and asked God for wisdom, first things first I set about to correct the errors in what they had heard.  Melia asked if anything like that has ever happened before and of course I was transported back to April 20, 1999.  Daddy and I met for lunch at The Olive Garden and when I got back in the car I heard a report that there had been a school shooting.  When I got back to my office I pulled out the 3" TV/radio that was tucked in my desk door and watched, completely stunned... the shooting had happened here in Colorado just a few miles from my house.  I remember going to the memorial at the theater across the street and walking by the student's cars that were covered with flowers and notes, I remember the name of one of those students, Rachel Scott.  I explained to you girls that we live is a fallen world where evil things happen but we serve a Sovereign God who takes what Satan means for evil and uses it for good.  I told you about Rachel Scott and how since the day she was killed God has used her tragic death to catapult her testimony around the world to make an eternal difference. Rachel lost her life that day but God did not allow it to be in vain, many lives have been touch... saved because of her story.

The weekend provided distractions and the conversations about the shooting subsided...

This morning (it’s Monday now) I had to drive the 3 of you to school and watch you walk in those doors.  (Believe me when I say that there is a big part of me that wants to pull you out and home school you, but I just can’t do it.  I know that motive in my heart is nothing more than fear and I also know that the Lord needs His little lights to be in those schools to shine for Him.  You were created with a mission and I won’t let fear stand in the way; so I will purpose in my heart to trust the Lord to use you in any way He sees fit, no matter what.)  On the way to school Melia mentioned that there would be a counselor at school today to help the kids.  I told Melia that I would rather she talk to me if she needed to talk vs. a counselor provided by the school system.  And so, I spent the rest of the way to schooI answering her questions.

“Were they all kindergartners?”

“Was the kindergartner teacher killed?”

“Who did it?”

“Why would he do something like that?”

and...  “Do you think something like that could happen at our school?”

I did my best to answer your questions as honestly as I could and reassured you that God is ALWAYS in control and that the worst thing Satan could ever do to her would only end with her being held in the loving arms of her Savior.  We prayed together and I watched you walk into your class. 

After school you told me about how you went ahead and spoke with the counselor at school and how she had really helped you.  She taught you how to turn off the fear in your brain by thinking about a pretty color and taking a few deep breathes. 

I thought to myself, this really is all the hope this fallen world has to offer... pretty colors and cleansing breathes.  And yet,  if we would only accept it, we have all the hope we would ever need in Jesus.  

I tried so hard to explain to you girls that you don’t need to settle for pretty colors and deep breathes.  You are daughters of the King!!  The Creator of the Universe!  You have full and unlimited access to His Throne Room!  And He waits to comfort you and to shelter you under His mighty wings.  

This is not an easy thing to explain to 9 and 8 year old girls and so in the end, I resorted to a story...

Imagine you are at home when the door bell rings, you run to answer the door and find a Royal Messenger standing there with a single white envelope resting on a velvet pillow.  Inside the envelope is an invitation to come to the palace for a ball.  You rush around the house, gathering your prettiest dress, fixing your hair and seeing to the smallest of details. 

When you arrive at the palace it is bustling with activity and your eyes can barely take in all the beauty that fills every corner, a towering man takes you by the hand and leads you down a private hallway and escorts you into the Throne room of the King.  The door has barely cracked open when He turns... so overjoyed by your being there, He lifts his robes and runs to greet you.  He spends the night, hanging on your every word, providing you with a feast to meet every need, giving you more than you could ever ask or imagine and tells you that you are always welcome and wanted and that He hopes you will come and stay over and over again. 

You leave feeling refreshed, full of joy and hope.  A few days go by and the weight of  this world is starting to press in, so you decide to go and see the King, you know He is anxious for you to come to Him with anything you need big or small.  

You haven’t been walking long when you run into a man on the road, who can see you are tired and offers to help. 

“Thank you, but I’m going to the palace, the King has offered to help me anytime.”

“Oh that’s not necessary, come with me and I will give you rest and something to eat.  Besides the King is busy with more important matters, there is no need to bother Him when I can teach you how to take care of these things on your own.”

Soon you find yourself in a small cottage, there is a fire in the fire place and everyone is happy to have a visitor for the evening.  You’re provided a good meal and enjoy some light conversation and then head for home.   For a while you feel quite content but soon the tiredness and worry return.

A fews days later, it seems more than you can bare so you decide that this time you will go to see the King; but once you head off, you begin to think it might be easier to just stop by the cottage instead, it's been a while since you saw the King and like the man said, you can just take care of things yourself.  However, this time there is no one  there to greet you and the cottage looks a little more like a run down shack.  You knock but nobody answers, and so you turn the knob and call “Hello?”

“Oh, hey... it’s you.  Come on in.”  You are greeted with very little enthusiasm. 

Things have definitely changed, no one seems as excited to have a guest and this time you're simply given permission to rummage through the pantry to look for something to eat while they kick back and watch TV.  Your evening is spent sitting at a broken down table eating crackers all alone.  

On the way out the door, your new friend tosses his head over his shoulder and says “We’ll see you tomorrow.”  

“Actually, I think maybe I’ll go to the Palace tomorrow, the King said I was welcome anytime.”

“What?  You can’t go there.  Oh sure you were welcome days ago, but not now, not after you have blown Him off for a whole week!  He won’t want to see you now!”

And of course you know he’s right... the King would never want to see you now.

That is what this situation is like... you girls have an open invitation to call on the King of Kings and Satan is trying like everything to get you to settle for pretty colors and a few deep breathes.  Jesus is waiting and wanting to hold you, to comfort you and to fill you with His strength!!  Don’t let Satan keep you from all that Jesus has to give you.  

Girls you must always take what the world gives you and measure it against scripture, if it doesn’t line up than get rid of it!  The world says when you are afraid, think about a pretty color and take a few breathes but what does the Bible say?

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

I want to take this one step further, you often pray for Alex at school, that she will get saved.  Imagine if she was to come to you tomorrow at school and tells you that she is really scared, are you going to tell her “Hey Alex, all you need to do it think about your favorite color and take a few deep breathes!” or are you going to tell her about Jesus?

We had a wonderful talk today and I have prayed that the Holy Spirit will give you understanding beyond your years in this situation.  I pray that when you are raising your own kids that you will never grow weary of teaching them always about Jesus.  

May you be filled up and emptied out for His Glory!!!  Oh how I love you sweet girlies!

Mommy  

Sometimes Being a Parent SUCKS!

Good Morning my sweet girlies,

Last night and this morning was one of those times when being a parent really sucks.  As your mom, I want everything for you.  I want to lavish you with every desire of your heart, give you the best of the best, take you to plays, Disney on Ice and fancy restaurants.  Keep you home from school to play, shop, get Starbucks and have our nails done.  I want to say "YES" to every request, but that is simply not possible and absolutely not right for you.

You are growing up in an age of technology (the simple fact that I can preserve my thoughts for you on this blog is amazing!).  There are computers, smartphones, iPads, tablets and more.  You have access to things that as a child were simply not available to me. Good things and very dangerous things.  It is very difficult to keep you safe in such an easy access world.  All around us kids have phones and iPads, email accounts and Facebook pages.  Trying to sift through what you should be allowed to have access to is very difficult.  Melia, you are chomping at the bit for an iTouch or a phone and all 3 of you have wanted email accounts.  Your friends have them, you think you should be able to have them too.

I wish it were that simple.  I would love for you to have all of those things, simply because I would love to see the look on your face when we gave them too you.  But there is a "stop" in my heart that says "no".

I don't want to over protective or shelter you so much that you have no clue as to what reality is but finding the balance between giving you enough information to help you stand in a world overrun with sin and to much is proving to be very difficult.

We have rules in place to try and help you, we talk about EVERYTHING!  Drugs, sex... you name it we have talked about it.  I have taken the approach that I want you to be able to ask me anything and know that you will get an answer, I want to know that you are getting truth from a Godly perspective.

Let's see as I write this Melia, you are 9 and Ryanne and Sabrina you are 8.  I have an iPhone, dad has and iTouch, our family has an iPad and we have an old lap top that you girls are allowed to use.  We have like a thousand games on each that you like to play and you also like to get on Youtube and watch  videos mostly music videos of Hannah Montana, Selena Gomez, Christian artists and cake decorating (Sabrina LOVES to watch cake decorating).  We also use it for school, we have a spelling test ap and a fun math ap to practice your math facts.   Melia you have been pushing for an email account and I have been resisting.  Explaining that sometimes you get emails from strange places that have very inappropriate content and I don't want you to see something that will hurt you.  I also worry about "mean girls"  people will say things in an email or a text that they would NEVER say to your face or on the phone and I have wanted to protect you from that as well.  But the time came at school that you needed one, so we researched some child safe email and got all of you set up.

Recently, Sabrina looked some things up on the iPad that were... well questionable.  After much discussion we got to the root of what started it all.  There is a very popular show on TV called "American Idol" ordinary people compete in a singing competition where they are judged by 3 music industry moguls  and then voted for by the American public.  One of those judges is a poplar singer, Jennifer Lopez.  You girls were not familiar with her music at all, we listen to Christian radio almost exclusively (it's not a legalistic thing we just like it, we all sing together in the car, it's fabulous) and beyond that you know a few of the artists that are targeted towards young kids (Taylor Swift, Justin Beiber etc).  One night on the show, they had her sing and preform a new song that was coming out.  This prompted Sabrina to look for her videos on Youtube.  Let's just say that her videos are not child friendly, they are quite racey and her dress very immodest.   Because of her rather small clothing, Sabrina became curious about her breasts and was curious to see what breasts looked like.  She turned to Google images (a tool we often use when discussing different things) to answer her question.  You can see how this was probably not the best choice.  She ended up Googling "girls" and "people with big breasts".  Thankfully, I saw it almost immediately and was able to but a stop to what could have lead her down a very dangerous road.  I can assure you that we had a VERY long conversation and in the end she lost all access to "screens" for 3 weeks.  All this to say, the path that leads to sin is very subtle and a very slippery slope, who knew watching American Idol would lead here.  It demands parents that are vigilant, involved and "ON" all the time.  Satan is out to destroy our kids.  Just a couple of weeks ago a 17 year old boy kip-napped and murdered a 10 year old girl!  How does that happen?!?  Girls hear me, I know what it feels like to want to be the "cool mom" the "fun mom" but the cost is too high!  You have to be a parent, you have to watch your kids, know what they are doing, who they are hanging out with, what they are watching and listening to.  You are in battle for their lives.

Last night I discovered that Sabrina disobeyed dad and me while with a babysitter and got on the iPad while grounded and told your babysitter all about her earlier Google search.  I know that you girls didn't realize that your conversation with her, could cause her to stumble but that really doesn't matter.  The fact is, Satan could use that conversation to peek her curiosity and send her on a search of her own. And so, dad and I had to deal with it.  I had to humble myself and email the babysitters mom about what happened (can I just add it was the Pastor's daughter that was babysitter), Sabrina needed to be punished for her disobedience and your access to the internet had to be reevaluated. This is the hard part of being a parent.  So, today, it's Halloween, Sabrina has been counting down the days and now I have to go pick her up early from school, because her punishment for disobeying us is having to miss her school Halloween party.  She won't get to dress up in her costume, do fun crafts, be in the parade, play the games or get candy (it kills me!!!  every part of me wants to give her a free pass and just make her wash the dishes but I can't I need to teach her, train her and discipline her, it's really, really HARD sometimes but YOU HAVE TO DO IT!!  In addition, we had decided that you girls are just too young to have access to screens that allow you access to the internet, so we had to revoke all access to the ipad, iTouch and computer (can I just say that you are not very happy with us right now).

A few months ago, Melia, you told me that you didn't want to grow up because Miss Chalyn (children's  pastor at church) said that a lot of times when kids get into Jr High and High School they fall away from the Lord and you didn't want that to happen.  You said to me "Mom, if that happens to me, if I start to fall away, will you hold on to me?"  I couldn't help but burst into to tears as I promised that I would.  This morning you were not very happy with me, thinking are decision was unfair. So you and I sat on my bed and I reminded you about that conversation, I told you "I know that you are not very happy with me right now and that you think it is unfair that you can't have screens anymore but this is me holding on to you."  Your eyes filled with tears, you through your arms around my next and said "I get it now, thank you, mom!"

Sometimes parenting sucks, but girls... you got do it!  I love you with everything that I am!
XOXO Mommy
-

Things I Took the Time to Write Down #1

Hello my precious girlies,

Your are currently tucked in upstairs, it's fall break so you are piled in Melia's room for the night... me, well I can't sleep so I thought I would take this time to do my first installment of "Things I Took the Time to Write Down."  Just a collect of quotes and things that touched me, made me laugh or caused me to think.  Enjoy!

- In refusing to cling to the thrones in your life you can be like Jesus
- I want my passion to be... to simply be with God
- In the divine dealing with us, there is no mistake, no lapse.  Nothing has been permitted which has not been made to serve the highest purpose.  This is so even in our futures.
- Be like a butterfly and float above your circumstances
- God's giving reflects the greatness of the giver not the greatness of the receiver.
- God watches us all the time because he loves us so much he can't take his eyes off of us.
- A throne is God's purpose for you.  A cross is God's path for you, Faith is God's plan for you.
- Hope is the ernest expectation of a coming good.
- Blessed are the flexible for they will never be broken.
- True christianity is shown in your ability to love difficult people.
- 3 steps for making a decision 1. Is there an Open  Door? 2. Do you have a Desire? 3. Do you have a peace?
- It is often true that the seeds to our future troubles are sown in times of great success and prosperity.
- Child can I trust you with what I want to do with you? - God
- Are you whining and wishing instead of believing and receiving?
- When we take the mystery of God away we are trying to make him behave while taking the wonder out of him and making him a common God... BUT! we can not tame the Lion of Judah!
- It is God's delight that we would believe in who God says we are.
- Paradise may have been lost but not the divine company.
- If Satan can't get me with destruction he will try to get me with distraction.
- If Adam had run around in the garden looking for a mate he would have found one but it would have been an orangoutang!
- When we go through a difficult time we have to run to the character of who God is.
- You may be the only Bible someone reads.
- The enemy's attack starts to dissolve when you set your mind on the Lord.
- Mommy, you always cry when you talk about Jesus - Sabrina 2/11
- Though he slay me, I will trust in him!
- All the good works people credit to me are nothing, because I did them all expecting God to repay me.  I thought if I worked hard enough God would give me whatever I wanted.  The truth is, I never served the Lord at all, I was always serving myself.  - Mark of the Lion series
Okay, that is it for tonight.  Nighty night! XOXO  Mommy

Meal Planning

Hello my sweet girlies!!!  So I made a comment today on Facebook about how it's Wednesday and that means meal planning and shopping day.  A couple of friends mentioned they would love some tips on what I do, which got me to thinking that maybe you would like some tips on meal planning some day.  Now I realize by the time you are doing this technology will be totally different but maybe you can use the ideas to figure out something that will work good for you.  So here we go.

 First I plan the meals, breakfast, snack for school, lunch, snack for when you get home and dinner for 7 days (we have breakfast at church on Sundays and go out for lunch on Sunday but other than that, we eat here).  I grab my calendar and make a note if it's a photoshoot night or if something special is going on that will impact the dinner making and eating!! 

(when I am all done this list hangs of the frig for the week)

Then I jump on Pinterest and head to my recipe board, I really don't like eating the same things over and over again, so Pinterest is a great place to collect lots of recipes and keeps them all at my fingertips. I pick 7 dinners that work with that weeks schedule and then determine if they need a side dish.  For example "Beef & Broccoli with Rice" doesn't need a side dish but if I am feeling crazy I might grab some egg rolls.  A roast on the other hand does, so I will hit my side dishes board for ideas or just wing it (mash potatoes and green beans)!

Once dinner is planned, I head to the pantry and see if there is anything left from last week that I can use this week for snacks, granola bars, graham crackers, 1/2 a box of teddy grahams etc.  Once I have allocated all the stuff I have on hand I fill in the blanks with items I will buy at the store.  

For Breakfast, Lunch and Snacks I have these handy dandy index card holders, they each came with 25 index cards, I have planned 25 breakfasts, 25 lunches and a ton of snacks and have written them on the index cards.  So when it's time to plan I just pull them out and pick 7 of each (this way I am not racking my brain every week!!)

Then it is time to pull out my iPad and enter my list on "Grocery IQ", I love this list, because I can customize it to match the aisles for the store I am shopping in!! (I have tried several and this one is my favorite, you even have the option to print coupons right from this app)

Once my list is done, then I try to find some coupons to save some money.  I am not a crazy coupon person where I buy stuff I wouldn't normally buy, I just look for deals on the stuff I need. Walmart is the least expensive place to shop but you have to be careful and only shop their per oz. prices as the bulk is often more expensive than the small packages and their produce is YUCK!  So that means two stores for me.  Sprouts has great deals on produce but everything else is crazy priced and I have notice the shelf life can be a little short on many of their produce items.  King Soopers/Kroger is middle of the road when it comes to price.  Safeway has traditionally been the most expensive but the store is clean, offers a wide variety and good produce.  They recently started a Just For U program, that requires some work up front but can save you an additional 20% over their club card deals.  I have found that I am saving 18% over King Soopers and am very much in line with the Walmart prices. 

 Just for U offers deals that are truly just for you and tailored to your purchasing history, in additional it is linked to a coupon site that allows you to add manufactures coupons right to your club card (there is even an App for your iPhone!  BUT it's important that you print your Safeway list so you remember what brands and sizes you need to buy.  

Okay, there you have it...  I hope this helps you girlies and you my friends!!  (I will probably help you more than the girls, they will probably have food replicators and never need to plan meals!!)

Now... it is time to send Megan and Emily home and have some dinner!

The return of "Scandalous Grace"

I actually deleted this entry for awhile, I was still struggling, trying to figure out how to wrap my head around this subject.  Today, I feel that my quiet time with the Lord gave me insight into my own life and sin which made me want to add a few thoughts and share this with you again.  

Original entry written 2 years ago:

Hello my Girlies! I have had a bit of a learning experience recently that I wanted to share with you. I ran into an old friend from high school on a social networking website called Facebook (I wonder if you will have Facebook when you are old enough to read and understand this blog I have created for you). Anyway, we were very close friends in high school but she moved out of state and our lives took us in opposite directions. It had been 18 years since I spoke to her last and a lot has happen during that time. Daddy and I got married, we lost two babies and had you 3 sweet girls, and just like me her life has been filled with experiences. Married, divorced, a master's degree, a relationship with God and a struggle with sin. She shared with me how she has wrestled with her sexuality and how it relates to her walk with God. She told me about how when she was in high school she started to feel attracted to other girls, she talked to the youth pastor's wife and another lady that she trusted but they both just told her to run from it. Unfortunately, no matter where she ran it followed her. In college she continued to struggle, she talked to her mom and even sought out professional help to try and change the way she was feeling. She tried to do everything "right" she finally reconciled to herself that if she lived her life the "right" way that God would bless it and take this feeling away from her. She prayed and begged God to heal her and decided to marry a man that she was dating. For a few years, she did okay, but then while in graduate school the feelings returned, she continued to pray and ask God to take these feelings away from her, she went back to counselling but in the end her husband could not deal with her feelings and divorced her. She was heartbroken and angry that even though she had done everything "right", her marriage had failed and she was still dealing with her attraction to other women. For a time, she said "screw it" and decided to turn her back on God and live a "wild" life, but the Holy Spirit of course would never leave her so he continued to pursue her and eventually she came back to the place where she wanted to be in relationship with God. She decided that she would educated herself on everything she could about the Bible and homosexuality. Now, let's fast forward 10 years to 2010, when she and I reconnected. My first glimpse of her current life was her facebook page, where I saw pictures of her at her wedding to another woman. I wasn't surprised, I knew that she had struggled with homosexual feelings, but I was concerned. I thought "oh no, this is not good." A few days later we talked on the phone and she shared her journey with me. At the end of our conversation she said "at this point I am still not sure that this is exactly what God wants for me but I know that His grace is big enough to cover it if it isn't". Of course I knew that God's perfect will for her life would never included being in a same sex marriage but it was a comment that stirred my mind and caused me to want to mill over and ponder it further. And so over next couple of weeks I did just that, I thought about it, prayed about it and even discussed it with my mentor. Being raised in the church, I think many Christians (including me for a very long time) define grace as "if I confess my sin, he is faithful and just to forgive my sins" and then we are given the gift of grace. But as I thought about it and prayed about it... I began to wonder does that order of things require a "God" to pull it off? Can't must human beings forgive some one when they confess and then go on to give them grace in that area? Then it dawned on me that True Grace, well that is a very different thing. Grace is actually very scandalous because it loves in the midst of the mess and in the middle of the struggle, it does not first require our ability to fix it, it simply requires our belief that the blood of Jesus Christ can cover it.

Obviously, homosexuality is a hot spot for Christians and religion. Do I believe that Bible means what it says about it and that the original language of the text backs it up... yes, I do. Do I believe that God dislikes the behavior, yes. But I also believe that God dislikes my behavior of addiction to food as a way meet my needs, to relieve my stress, to calm my anger, to quiet my fears etc. Do I understand that when I choose to indulge my flesh in that area that I am sinning, yes I do. Have I pleaded with God to heal me, and to break the cords of this addiction? Yes I have, but He, in a wisdom I do not understand has not done that and so here I am, feeling like I am unable to change my behavior and broken. BUT... I, like my friend, believe that the sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ, is more than sufficient to cover our shortcomings, our failures, our weaknesses and our sin. It was great encouragement for me to see that God, while He has not chosen to take "this" from her, He has reassured her that His Grace is big enough to cover her sin (and mine) and offer her eternal salvation. It has been a powerful testimony for me to see a person who can embrace the Grace of God in what has appeared to be the absence of His Deliverance. I don't understand why God hasn't taken this temptation from her, (and I do believe that it is temptation), BUT... I trust the work that God is doing and will continue to do in her life and mine. This is troubling entry, because I don't want you to read this and say "hey, mom says it's okay if I am gay!!" or that we should go on sinning so the grace may increase (Romans 6:1) I believe that God never intended us to be in same sex relationships and that it breaks His heart when his children enter into these relationships BUT I also believe that He loves His children in the midst of their struggle. I pray that none of you will be faced with this temptation in your life, but if you are I want you to know that God loves you and His work on the cross is big enough!! Remember to always focus on loving Him and He will be faithful and just to finish the work He started in you even when things don't make any sense. I love you my sweet girls! So very, very much!

Today, 2 years later... I had to add a few phrases to my original text (they are highlighted in red).  My time with the Lord this morning has shaped some of my thoughts on this subject.  

Isaiah 30: 18 Says that the Lord longs to be gracious to us; that he rises up to show us compassion, for the Lord is a God of Justice, blessed are all who wait for him.  We must never forget that God is Just and Holy.  In Isaiah 30:15 He says “In repentance and rest is our salvation, in quietness and trust is our strength BUT YOU WOULD HAVE NONE OF IT."    This is how we can be free from the grip of habitual sin in our life but so often we make the choice to "have none of it",  but freedom requires something of us, we can't just sit back and be "delivered" we have to, as one of my friends said "take up our cross and follow Him".  

A little break down on some of the words in the verse above:
Repentance or “shawbah” - speaks not only of turning from sin but  returning to God.  We can not simply turn from our sin, we must return to God to find the power to overcome temptation. 

Rest or “nachath” - speaks of lighting down, we need to light down on his truth or calm ourselves with his promises. 

Salvation or “Yasha” - means to be open, wide or FREE

Strength in this verse mean VICTORY!

Quietness or “shaqat” means to lie quietly, to be undisturbed or to calm. 

Trust or “bitchah” appears only once in the Old Testament and means “nothing more than I can do”.

When we choose to obey God, turn away from our sin, turn to Him (over and over if that is what it takes) and trust in His promises that is when we wait on Him to bring the victory over sin.  My struggle with food has continued over this last year, my friend’s struggle with homosexuality has also continued.  My eternal salvation with the Lord is secure as is her's BUT when we continue in disobedience it will lead me down a path of destruction that my eternal security will not keep me from.  

Isaiah 30: 12-14 says “Because you have rejected this message, relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall, cracked and bulging, that collapses suddenly, in an instant.  It will break in pieces like pottery, shattered so mercilessly that among its pieces not a fragment will be found...”

God has told me how to find victory...  through repentance, returning to Him for the power to overcome temptation, through calming myself in his promises and waiting on Him to give me strength and victory.

He longs to gracious to me but if I want victory over this sin I must stop rejecting his message, stop relying on oppression and depending on deceit and look to him for the strength to obey!!

I am not trapped... I am making a choice to have none of it, when instead I need to make a choice to pick up my cross and follow him. 

Forgive me Lord.


It's the next day... I shared this with a friend of mine, who touched me with the time she took to read over it and pray.  Her email to me made me realize that some of the language I choose may have been a little to "light" for such a "heavy" and important subject as habitual sin.  I fully agree with everything she had to say and tweaked a few sections, but I wanted to leave the original text from a year ago in tact.  I want you girls to see that your walk with the Lord is an ongoing process, He will keep refining our thinking until it lines up with the "whole" of scripture not just parts.    I have decided to include her email in this entry so that you can see an even broader picture of this very important issue.  

One of the biggest concerns with the church today, is the error of taking the things that are favorable in God's Word and then tweaking them to make us all feel good. The Emergent Church is based on this. They have now gone to the extreme to ask, "Why did Jesus even need to die?" and there really is no hell. This is what happens when the nice, warm and fuzzy things about God are dwelled upon and then man comes up with the rest. This is why we have books like "Love Wins." They appeal to the things we like about God.

Your friend is dwelling simply on grace and not the entire Word of God, nor His true and entire character. Grace works for her. Judgment for sin doesn't. So she sticks with the grace. She is willing to accept God's sacrifice for her, but she is not willing to make sacrifices for Him.

This is a question, not a statement: Where in the Bible does it tell us God will deliver us from sin with no participation on our part?  We cannot just give our sin to God and let Him do the delivering. It requires obedience, sacrifice, denial of self and HARD WORK. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. It keeps me from being more effective for the Lord. But I can't lay in bed and say it's not my fault because the Lord hasn't "taken this away from me." I have to deny my flesh and do the hard thing!

I Cor. 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."  We don't sit and wait for deliverance, we utilize God's means of escape. We have to trust Him with this verse. 

Matt. 16:24 "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." First deny self - homesexuality, food, lying .... etc.... then take up your burden and follow Christ.

The reality is, God doesn't just  dislike homosexuality (or any sin) .... He despises it. It is an abomination.  Romans 1:26 "For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature .... (v. 28) ...God gave them over to a debased mind .... "  I am sure you have read the rest, it is sobering.

Can she be forgiven. Absolutely. Is God longsuffering. Absolutely.  But it does tell us in 1 John that IF we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteouness.  There must first be action on our part. If there isn't a need for our participation then we do not have free will and we are all just up to chance.

God, in His grace, sent His son to die so that we could have forgiveness. But receiving the grace (the undeserved gift) requires action on our part. Self denial and confession.

And, therefore, turning from sin. We might have to come back over and over again, but the coming back requires effort from us.

If homosexuality was simply a weakness in her life - one that she kept falling into, getting up and giving it over to God over and over again, then she can rely upon grace. But it appears she has chosen to fully immerse herself in a day to day life with another woman. 

Pastor shared this on Sunday: 2 Cor. 6:12 "You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections."

Your battle with food is different than your friends battle with homosexuality ... or it can be! You are willing to make the efforts to change, to deny your flesh and to trust in the Lord for your strength and comfort. It MUST be something that you give up for the Lord. You can't just wait for the desire to be gone, you have to be willing to do the giving up.

I would love to come alongside you with this struggle, if you will come alongside and encourage me to be more faithful with my time. It is not going to be easy for either of us. Denial of Self is torture. But God has given us the means to escape our flesh!