"Mr Darcy"

Hello again my sweet girlies! Today was a big day, the 1st day of school. Melia you started 1st grade today and you looked so hip in your "hannah montanaish" outfit! Sabrina you chose a cute little baby doll top with colorful ice cream cones all over it and a pair of glitter jeans and Ryanne you dressed up and in a black dress with white polka dots and bright pink bows for your 1st day of kindergarten. I was so proud of all of you!!

Well, today the clouds have scattered and things are feeling more back to "normal", but as a follow up to last night I wanted to share something with you that happened to me a few days prior to my 40th birthday...
I borrowed the movie "Pride and Prejudice" from my niece; it was painfully hard to tune my ears to understand the heavy accent and flowery speech, but I pursued and eventually I was able to lose myself in the movie. It is a beautiful love story. Elizabeth meets Mr. Darcy early on, and immediately forms opinions about who he is and what he is like based on his smooth and somewhat cool exterior. These opinions are only reinforced when she hears about two "things" he has done in the past, proving to her that he is cold and selfish and someone with whom she would never be friends. But life somehow continues to make their paths cross. At one point, he follows her through the rain and professes his deep love and affection for her. She in turn is mean and hurtful, lashing out at him with all of her preconceived ideas of who he is and what he has done. He is deeply hurt by what she says, but tries to defend himself and explain what "really happened", but in the end he turns and leaves as it is clear she has no intention of changing her mind. Much time passes and she is on a trip with her Aunt and Uncle; they go to visit his home, a huge mansion, she is nervous and pleads not to go, but after learning that he is in London agrees. While touring the house she runs across a bust of Mr. Darcy, you can see the deep regret in her face, she is ashamed of what she has thought about this man and the way she has treated him, she fears she may have falsely judged his character and his motives. She becomes separated from her Aunt and Uncle only to discover that Mr. Darcy has returned, she quickly turns and runs embarrassed for him to see her after how she has judged him. He runs after her, calling her name, and while she stops their exchange is brief. The following night he invites her Aunt and Uncle to dinner, where he learns of a tragedy that has befallen Elizabeth's little sister, of course Elizabeth and her family must leave at once. Sometime later, the situation with her sister is somehow and in a somewhat miraculous way is taken care of, and another sister is reunited with a lost love; Elizabeth finds out that both of these situations were resolved because of Mr. Darcy's influence. She is broken hearted, as she fully realizes how wrong she was about him and as a result of her doing she has pushed away her greatest love. She is tormented and can not sleep, so she goes out for a walk in the early morning to be alone with her sadness, then she sees him... Mr. Darcy, walking towards her with great determination, their exchange goes something like this...
Elizabeth - I couldn't sleep.
Mr. Darcy - I couldn't either. I am sorry to bother you.
Elizabeth - After what you have done, how can I take exception?
Mr. Darcy - Surely you know that I did it all for you. I tell you if your feelings for me have not changed from last April, say only one word and you will never hear from me again, but my feelings for you have not wavered."
She of course, looks at him and says nothing. She takes his hand and says, "I'm cold." He pulls her close and let his forehead fall to rest on hers.
It was simply the most romantic movie I have ever seen. Your dad immediately said "Man... that was a chick flick." I wanted to cry, he doesn't get it, that story made my heart melt and sore all at the same time. Mr. Darcy continued to pursue Elizabeth with great strength and passion despite her mistakes and unkind judgments about his character. As I climbed the stairs to bed, I thought “why did God make women this way”, so desperate for romance and so desperate to be pursued, when men are clearly clueless to how important this is to women. The Holy Spirit prompted me to find my copy of the book "Captivating", even though I was exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. Laying in bed, I scanned the chapter titles in the table of contents, I turned to the chapter entitled, "Romanced" and here is what I read "Think of the most romantic scenes you can remember, scenes that made you sigh (Dr Darcy walking towards Elizabeth in the early morning despite what she had done to him). Now, put yourself in the scene as the Beauty, and Jesus as the Lover. What does your heart do with that?" At first, I opened my eyes and pulled away from the scene, but the Holy Spirit nudged me to go back and try again. Soon I was standing in that field with Jesus' forehead resting on mind, tears streaming down my face. After all that I have done to him, all the wrong judgments I have made about him and his character, He continued to pursue me to seek me out in the early morning, to boldly walk towards me, in no way trying to conceal his desperate wanting to be with me. And then I realized, this is why God made women this way, because He wants "this relationship" with us, the men in our lives will never be able to fill this wanting in our heart's. He is the only one that can fill the deep and most tender portion of our heart. That night I went to sleep with the man who gave his life to save mine, holding me holding me close. I sang several choruses of "I love you, Lord", and then drifted off to sleep with my Prince of Peace.

Love you, girls... Mommy

Open Arms

Hello my girlies,
My heart is heavy tonight as I wonder when the time will come that you find yourself awake, and alone with your tears in the wee hours of the morning. I know that it will happen, I fear it is something that happens to all women, as we desperately seek to fill the gaping hole in our soul with all the insufficient items this world has to offer. Tonight went terrible wrong I am afraid, I had hope for and envisioned a much different outcome. I have been reading a love story lately (the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, in case you want to read it too), it has stirred my desire for romance; not created it, mind you. I have always had a deep well longing to be filled with words and acts of romance, but over the years I have tried not to dwell on it too much. Your dad, of course loves me, dare I even say that he adores me, but his ability to unlock that secret part of himself that would allow lavish outward showings of affections seems to elude him. I image it torments him almost as much as my longing for those affections torment me. Although, I must admit that 99% of the time that is a conscience decision I have to choose to believe. My wish washy emotions tug at me ever so hard to convince me otherwise. And so I think of you, perhaps 20 some years from now sitting somewhere in the dark holding yourself, trying to sooth the pain that seems to threaten to over take you, while no doubt your “knight” sleeps. Trust me when I say... I have been there, I truly understand the torment in your soul, that battle between hope and fear. I am 42 as I write this, so don't be surprised when after 16 plus years of marriage you and your husband are still struggling to understand one another. But as my tears have now stopped and the emotional swells of the evening are beginning to slow, let me encourage you... as I grow in my walk with God, more and more I am beginning to realize that the ache deep inside of us girls can only be eased by Him. Daddy loves me and perhaps he wishes just as much as I do that he could show me and tell me in a way that would ease the waves of fear and anxiety that crash against the cliffs of my soul; perhaps one day he will be able to find more strength to go there, but then again maybe not. But my sweet precious girls, I want you to know that there is a lover of your soul, One who loves and cherishes every part of you, who with out a single waver finds you completely and utterly breathtaking, who longs for you, who wants to listen to you with out end, who hangs on your every word, who never sleeps but waits for you to come to Him. Who fills the world around you with His gifts of love and who complied his word's for you so that you can read them over and over again. Go to Him, when you feeling this way, fall into His strong and open arms, feel Him hold you tight and listen as He reassures you of His deep and unending love for you. And when your soul is quieted by His love return to the man you have chosen and love him as you long for him to love you. Hugs to you my darlings... I love you so much. Mommy

Sabrina Fair

I have always wanted to preserve my thoughts, to be able to go back and remember, to give my daughters a picture into my soul when they are older or perhaps maybe even after I am gone. But the perfect way to do it eludes me. The perfect journal, a pen that flows under my grip, all remain unfound. The typed letters seem somehow disconnected and not personal enough, but I can't find a way to write fast enough for my hand to have the strength to sustain the stories. So, here I am again, trying to start again, wondering where this note will end up and will it ever reach the hearts of my girls.
Tonight my thoughts are with my precious Sabrina. Like the movie, she is my Sabrina Fair. Rich in beauty and deep in emotion, so deep that it seems the emotion is sometimes to much for her soul to hold and as the night falls it rises over the edge and torments her in her sleep. Since she was very young, maybe two, her dreams have brought her much distress, plagued with night terrors and more recently the onset of nightmares, which seem even worse than the first, as they seem to find a home in her memory and stir fear in her mind.
Last night, she came into our room around 4:00am, “mommy... I had a bad dream.” Afraid of encouraging bad sleeping habits, I have never been the kind of mom to share my bed, wanting to make sure that my girls would develop skills that would allow them to sleep soundly in any situation (something I have never been able to master). But last night I knew, call it mommy intuition, that she would not be able to find rest with out the added security of her parents. Frequently today, she would reveal parts of her dream... a mean witch, red spots on her face and so it was no surprise that only a few minutes after the lights were turned out at bedtime, that she appeared looking nervously over my desk, “mommy, I'm scared to have another bad dream”. My heart felt for her, I remember a stretch of nightmares that I had as a child and how I dreaded night time. I remembered that just a few weeks ago, I had hear a verse about real guardian angels. I don't even remember where I heard it, but I know the Lord brought it to mind so that He could comfort and minister to Sabrina's frightened heart. Psalms 91:11 For He orders His angels to protect you where ever you go (NLT) and then just a few verses down 91:14 & 15 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me, I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them.” As I explained these verses to Sabrina, I began to cry, as once again I was faced with the awesomeness of the God we serve; in a world full of troubles, He cared about a little girl with nightmares. I believe, His Spirit stirred with in me to help me find the promises of His heart to hers. As I told Sabrina about her Savior, I watched as her countenance changed; worry and anxiety were replaced with wonder and awe; and so... she sleeps.