Hey there, girlies!
It's one of those nights, it's late. I am so tired, I am having trouble focusing. But this is one of those times that I need to stop and write to you right now while I am feeling this and experiencing this. Where to even start? So I was getting ready to go to bed when I got a notification that Ryanne had made a note on her Bible ap. I, of course, clicked on it right away, because I always to love to read what she has to say. It's like a little peek into her heart, she's the quiet one. Doesn't get too deep in her conversations with me. Here it is:
I wanted to come on here to share something with you. Tonight was church and I was really just feeling beat down and like I needed to be with Jesus. During worship Chris was talking about how we all come into church in different ways emotionally and I was hit by how horrible I was feeling. This made me want to cry. He started to sing "Oh come to the altar" I almost feel to the ground. I was so impacted by the song and the words Chris was saying. This is one of the first times I have really felt like God was watching me and was with me. I hope this encourages you and if you are in a bad place that you will know God is there and He is watching over you.
Ugh! My mind started racing, why is she feeling beat down and horrible? Trouble with friends? Did I do something? I was like 11:30PM, so I thought it best to NOT run up to her room begging her to tell me everything. Instead, I wrote her an email. It's the only chance I have at sleep. But as I wrote that email it made me realize that I want to share a few things with you.
First of all, I am so sorry for all the stupid and crappy things I do. I know that I lose my temper, and give lectures that are way too long and say things I wish I could take back.
But here's the deal, I thought that when I had kids that somehow I would be magically different. I thought I would all of the sudden be more affectionate, I thought I would be the kind of mom that hugs her kids all the time, and tells them every day how much she loves them. I thought I would want to spend hours playing Barbies and that I would never tell you "No, I am too tired to braid your hair right now." Guess what? That did not happen. I was exactly the same person I was before but with kids!
As a mom, you fully understand what the Apostle Paul meant when he said "I do want I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do." It's so incredibly frustrating!
So I write this entry for two reasons.
#1 To say I am sorry for all my screw-ups, to tell you that I loved you (still do) more than you can ever know, that I was proud of each of you (still am), that I was overjoyed to be your mom (still am), that I really, truly wanted to be better, kinder, gentler, funnier, sweeter, thinner and stronger.
#2 That if you have the joy of having children you too will make mistakes, you will want to be different, better for your kids. You will be tempted to beat yourself up for failing. Heck, you won't just be tempted you WILL beat yourself up! You will desperately want to change and be all they need and want you to be. I don't have any great advice for you here (I am still here right now, beating myself up for not being more patient with Ryanne in school.) Literally makes me feel nauseous. What if that is why she is feeling beat down?!
Here's what I can tell you. God picked you to be their mom. Every day, you press into Him, you make your personal quiet time with Him your first priority, you keep trying, keep praying, and remember, saying you are sorry can go a long way. I have to believe that God is in this with me. He is the One, who will do the work. He is the one that will bind up the broken hearts. Us moms? We just get a front row seat to watch Him work.
Oh how I wish you knew just how much I love you all!!
XOXO, Mom
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