Letters...

Hello my precious sweet girlies... tonight was one of those nights where I am exhausted from running all week (spring break) and hosting a party (Crytal and Scott's engagement party). My mind was stressed and muddy leaving me to feel anxious and a bit crazy. You will have days like this too, juggling life, and obligations, wants and have to's. Can I tell you that the first place you should run is to a quiet place with your Bible... read, soak in the healing words of your God and Savior. Pray... write God a letter, that is what I did tonight and my soul feels so much better for it. I hope that being able to read this letter to God will bring you comfort when you are feeling confused and frazzled that you see and know that your mom has been there and that you will know... Jesus is the answer.

Dear God, This probably wont’ go anywhere… I just feel anxious? I don’t know… my mind is muddy. I am feeling some what stressed about my business, April is super light, only 3 shoots so far and I wonder… is that what you have for me, or should I be pushing, advertising, trying harder. Or is that me trying to take control and striving. Or is this me being lazy trying to dress it up in a “I’m just trusting God” bow. I feel like I am sitting “here” (at the computer) again too often and really not accomplishing much. I had pictures that I could have edited this afternoon, but I rationalized that I didn’t want to work on Sunday. But maybe that is a good thing. Maybe I really shouldn’t work on Sunday. But should I have been doing something else, other than Facebook and reading blogs or whatever I was doing, it seems I can’t even really remember what I was doing… I did stop and play games with Sabrina when she can home and the girls were gone while I was on the computer any ways, so should it even be a factor? Do I need to be analyzing it? I’m I just going loopy because it’s 11:37 PM and I’m tired and in need of sleep? What do I want? I want to be in the center of your will. I want to grow in my relationship with you, I want to study and know your word, I want to learn and retain everything I possibly can. I want to be filled up with you, oozing you everywhere I go. I want to be covered with the fragrance of you. I want to use my time to pour into my kid’s life. I want to be here for them, I want to listen to them, talk to them and teach them all the wonderful things about you. I want to show them that you are worth falling head over heels in love with and I want them to know what they believe and why so they can protect themselves from all the malarkey out there in the world. I want to love my husband better than I do now. I want to stop being inhibited and just go for it. Touch, kiss, tell, share, be completely me and completely crazy silly into him. It’s not that I don’t love him with all my heart… I do. I just hold back afraid of rejection or looking stupid… afraid. I want to make an eternal difference, I want to be used… I have no idea what that looks like. And does it have to be big, if it was would I struggle with pride? I think I might… I feel desperate at times to be valuable, to be really great at something… everthing. I feel like I can put everything I think, do, ponder, consider on a seesaw and I get exhausted watching to go up and down, back and forth wondering which perspective is the right one. This can’t be how you intended it to be, you said “Peace I leave with you” not this crazy back and forth constantly debating with myself. When do I feel this way… is it when I am tired? When I have not spent enough time with you? It has been a few days since I had purposeful time in the word… I have read Choosing to See this week and prayed here and there, been to church, but one on one time with just you and the Bible it’s been about a week… is that what drives this unrest in my spirit? I am looking forward to spring break being over, I had so much fun with the girls but I feel like I need to get back to my “new” routine since quitting AKI. Time every morning spent doing Bible study, time with you. I really hate this computer most of the time… I know that I look to it to fill an emptiness I have inside, checking emails and updates of facebook, I have said it before, looking for some kind of contact, that someone thought of me and wanted to reach out to me. It seems as I grow in my relationship with you, my need for you grows as well, and yet I still haven’t figured out that it is with you that I will find what I am looking for not on this stupid computer, but how stinkin’ cool would it be if you had IM!? Yay, that would be very cool. Well, it’s almost midnight and morning will be here soon and I will be tired. I feel better… spending time with you always makes me feel better. Like warm oil being poured over my dry and aching heart. You are my comforter, my savior and my King. Lord, teach me more about who you are and mold me to be who you created me to be. Root out my bitterness, my gross flesh that feeds off negative talk, cleanse my mouth Lord and use it to build up and not tear down. Wash my tone and make it full of your love. Give me patience. Give me discernment and wisdom, help me to spend my time doing your work and trust you with my work. That’s right, isn’t it? Help me to know this, help me to KNOW what is right in your sight. Sleep… sleep is what is right, right now. Oh, how I love you, thank you for drawing me so close over the last few years, I never knew what loving you could feel like and I know I am only scratching the surface. In my Jesus’ precious and Holy name. Amen.

I love you, my sweet girls... turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace (words from a favorite song of mine.)

Kisses... Mommy