The Relationship...

Hi Girls, Just another writing from a few years ago.

"I was reading in John about the crucifixion the other night, when I finished, I thought, why is it I read that like it's not a big deal, I wonder why it doesn’t move me like it should. After journaling about it for awhile, I believe the Holy Spirit gave me the following thoughts. Ya know how when you hear about a kid drowning on the news and you think "oh how terrible, I can't image" and then you go right back to cleaning... but when you hear about a church member's child that has drowned you spend more time pondering what they must be going thru, you might send a card or make a meal for the family. But if your best friend's child drowned you would get in your car, sob the whole way over there, and cry out to God to help your friend. You would hold her, help her make phone calls, help her plan the service, sit by her at the funeral, and be with her in the weeks and months ahead, you would call her on birthdays and holidays to support her in her grief. Now, what if it was your child that drowned... your whole life would be devastated, you would be sick with intense grief; and yet the theme of this story is always the same... a child drowned. Why did one impact you more than another... it's the relationship. The closer the relationship the more it moved you. And then I realized how much more relationship I have to experience with God and Jesus, this is the closest I have ever been to God and Jesus and yet I realize how much more there is to experience in my relationship with him. I as grow closer to him, I can expect the story of the crucifixion to move me more and more."

Mary & Martha

Hello my precious girlies... right now you are tucked safe and sound in your beds. It's the weekend so Melia you are sleeping in your sister's room, something you girls have been doing for a while now. Oh how I love you girls, I hope you know that. I was thinking tonight, pondering my "faith" in Jesus and I remembered some "writings" from years gone by that I have saved and I wanted to put them here for you. My deepest desire is that when you are older, these entries will allow you to see your mom's heart along the journey. This writing is about Mary and Martha, sisters who were friends with Jesus during his ministry here on earth, just days before Jesus was arrested and crucified, he went to their house for dinner...

"I have heard many messages on Mary and Martha, but as I pondered their story I thought... what if? Mary and Martha were women, uniquely feminine just like you and I. Mary washes Jesus' feet & dries them with her hair. She’s is in a room filled with men and yet she singles out Jesus and begins to wash his feet. I don't know about you but I would really need to like someone to wash their feet. Take a moment to think about what that must have been like. How did she touch his feet? I wonder, was it slow and soft as she tried to memorize everything about that moment. Did she look into his eyes searching for approval? It is possible that He smiled back at her as He let His eyes fall shut to focus on her touch? Jesus and Mary appear to be so focused on one another that they are no longer aware of the other people in room. And of course she takes out her favorite lotion (expensive perfume), she wouldn't think of using anything else. When Judas, gets on her case about using such an expensive item, Jesus, without hesitation jumps to her defense "leave her alone" he says. He doesn't band with his friends and make jokes about her, he draws his sword to defend her honor (I love that). Why does Mary chose to dry Jesus' feet with her hair and not a towel? Could it be that she wants to savor that moment and to soak up the fragrance of that moment to take it with her. I wonder as she went about her business over the next few days, did the wind blow through her hair filling the air with the scent of that moment she spent with Jesus? Did it bring back all those emotions and the feelings of closeness she shared with Him. As she went about her errands, were there moments when she would stop and pull her hair in front of her face, close her eyes and breathe in deeply just to smell the scent of Jesus again? I wonder if when she passed by people in the market, did they think to themselves "what was that smell"? Did the fragrance served as evidence of the time that Mary spent with Jesus. I wonder, is there evidence in my life of the time I spend with Jesus? And then there is Martha (she always gets the bad rap). I wonder if she had spent all day preparing, make her finest recipes, setting a beautiful table with the best of everything she had, straightening the house and dusting the pictures making everything perfect. I wonder if when she watched Mary with Jesus and Jesus with Mary if her heart ached. As she longed for that type of relationship with Jesus did her wounded heart whisper "he would never want that kind of relationship with you, you’re not good enough!" Did she slave all day to try and prove that she had worth & value? To try and convince Jesus that she was worth spending time with. As she watched Mary and Jesus did she think to herself "I do all this and I'm still not enough!" I wonder if she didn't lash out at Mary out of a deep wound of inadequacy and low self worth. Jesus was right there... wanting Martha, desiring to be with her, but was she paralyzed by her fear of inadequacy and rejection? Did the fear in Martha's heart impact her relationship with Jesus? Do my own fears of inadequacy affect my relationship with Jesus? "

Never Forget, Always Remember

This morning daddy came downstairs and said “Tomorrow will be 3 years.” March 1st, 3 years since Ryanne had her accident. I commented to daddy that the date really sticks with him, he said… “I never want to forget…”
The five us went to Estes Park for the weekend. It was the 1st time since you girls were born that we decided to go on a weekend get away. We left Friday after work, our 1st stop was Chili’s for dinner and then we hit the local Walmart for inner tubes and swim floaties for the pool. We stayed at the Marriott in Boulder (thanks to our good buddy, Miss Ann!) and of course the first thing on the list of things to do was to hit the pool, you girls swam for at least a couple of hours, we were having an absolutely wonderful time.

The next morning we went to IHOP where you dove into Smiley Face pancakes, and then it was time to make our way to Estes Park. We headed straight for Rocky National Park; it was a perfect day, and the weather was beautiful. We spent the morning tubing, and wrapped up our fun in the snow with a snowball fight.

We spent the early afternoon, strolling the streets of Estes Park, where we of course stopped to enjoy some salt water taffy and Laura's famous hot fudge sundaes. Ofcoure we all know how much Ryanne LOVES horses and a friend had told us about a horse and carriage ride that went thru the center of town, we figured it would be the perfect way to wrap up our day. You girls were so excited to be riding in the carriage and Ryanne was particularly excited about petting the horse’s nose when we were done.

We had just turned around and started on the 2nd half of our 30 minute ride when Ryanne leaned forward reaching for something, she miscalculated and lost her balance I reached to grab her but it was too late, she fell out of the carriage and on to the pavement, right in front of the back wheel of the carriage. We screamed for the driver to stop but he was unable to stop the carriage before it ran over the upper part of Ryanne's back (she was laying face down). I jumped out of the carriage, scooped her up out of the street and laid her back down on the side of the road, she was crying very hard, a painful cry and couldn't speak, I picked her up again, climbed back in the carriage and asked them to take us to our car. I don’t know what I was thinking, it never even occurred to me to call any ambulance. We immediately took Ryanne to the hospital in Estes Park, the left side of her face was badly bruised, and she had bad abrasions on her chest, back and arm. I was in the emergency room with Ryanne while Daddy stayed in the waiting room with you other two. They did several xrays, and didn't find any broken bones but wanted to do a CAT Scan to check for any internal injuries, they told me that we would be there at least over night.

I called Aunt Wendy and asked her to come and get Melia and Sabrina so that daddy and I could both be there for Ryanne. Within 10 minutes the Doctor came in and said that they were a small hospital and not comfortable with treating Ryanne’s injuries they had decided to air lift her to children's hospital. Ryanne was in a great deal of pain, and very lethargic, they had to keeping calling out to her and shaking her to get her to respond. The doctors explained that Ryanne would need a CAT scan and MRI and would be in the hospital for several days. At 5:45pm she left in the helicopter for Children's Hospital in Denver and we started our trek down the mountain. You girls were both very upset, while we stood and waited for the helicopter to take off, Melia told daddy she wanted to go to the car, daddy told me later that you stopped at the van door, turned and blew a kiss to the helicopter and then got in the van and started crying. Sabrina you stayed with daddy and I but cried the whole time saying that you missed Ryanne. You cried for about 30 minutes until you finally cried yourself to sleep.

Ryanne landed at Childrens' at about 6:10, where the rest of our family was waiting for her and we arrived at about 7:30. Something happened in that helicopter... We believe that the hand of God reached down out of heaven and touched our little girl with his healing hand. As mommy and daddy walked down the hall to Ryanne’s room, we heard her yell... "Hi Mom... Hi Dad", you were sitting up in bed coloring a picture of Strawberry Shortcake and ordering a "purple" popsicle.

You were a completely different person. They did one final test, a urine test to look for blood and then gave us the okay to take you home. The bruise on your face was completely gone, the abrasions on her back and stomach almost to faint to see. A miracle indeed! As we put you to bed, we commented on how sore you would be the next day, as with any injury, day 2 is always the worst. The next morning I gently sat on the side of your bed, and stroked your hair until your eyes slowly opened. "how do you feel?" "I feel fine" "do you hurt anywhere?" "Nope" You hopped out of bed and had a completely normal day!! Thank God!! He is so good!

Several weeks later we were in the car, I was trying to explain the importance of wearing seatbelts correctly. Ryanne, you turned to Sabrina and said “If you get in a car accident Jesus with catch you” when I asked you about it you stated very matter of fact “when I felled out of the carriage Jesus caught me.” I asked you if you saw Jesus any other time and you said “Yeah… he was in the helicopter”. Hmmm… A few days later you were telling nana and papa about seeing Jesus, Papa asked “Ryanne did Jesus look like a doctor?” “noooo…” “Did he look like a fireman?” “noooo” “well, what did he look like?” “He looked like Jesus.” We asked you if Jesus said anything to you that day and everytime you always reply “He gave me a blue flute.” A few days later, Grandma called and said that she has a book written by a Christian psychologist about the dream interpretation that is mentioned in the Bible. She looked up the words “Blue” and “flute”, one means “God with you” and the other “divine healing”. Well… GLORY!!

Luke 10:21 At that time Jesus full of joy through the Holy Spirit said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned , and revealed them to the little children. Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.

I wanted to make sure that I had this story of our miracle written down so that you will always remember what God did for our family that day. Daddy is going to write down his version of the story too, so that you will have it to… ALWAYS REMEMBER.

I Chronicles 16:11& 12 Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced.

Psalms 77:11&12 I will remember the deeds of the Lord; I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.

Mommy's Bed

So I not sure what it is but you three girls just love mommy's bed! Day to Day my room is off limits unless Daddy or I are in there (it seems there are just too many temptations in there) but on those occasions when we are in our room, you girls just love it! One of your favorite things to do is crawl through the tunnel that our bedspread makes when it is folded down on the end of the bed, over and over again! It could be an all day activity! Yesterday, after I finished up my work and before I headed out for a photoshoot, I had about 10 minutes to just veg. Ryanne was hangin' out with me at my desk, so I grabbed her hand and we headed into my room to lay down for a few minutes. Oh how I love those moments, I wish that I had the good sense to make more time for precious moments like that! It wasn't long and Melia joined us and a few minutes after that, Sabrina stumbled upon our little "slumber party". Ah... these are the moments I cherish, I pray that when you three become mommies you will make yourself take a few minutes now and again to play in your bed with your kiddos! I love you so much! BIG HUGS!! Mommy

"Fighting the Monsters & 3 Legged Sleeves"

Good morning my sweet girls! I must get straight to it this morning as I have plotted out my day so that I can squeeze in all the things I need to do and all the things I want to do... like hangin' with you 3. Leaving me 15 minutes to type this note to you!! Quick funny story to explain the title of this note, "Fighting the Monsters & 3 Legged Sleeves"! This morning at breakfast Ryanne had a new idea that she wanted to share, "I think in the winter we should wear long sleeves, and in the spring we should wear short sleeves and in the summer none sleeves and in the fall 3 legged sleeves!" Just made me giggle! Now to tie in the Monster reference, a few years back, I took to writing in my Bible (by the way it is now some 6 hours later, 15 minutes just wasn't enough and I didn't want to knock myself off schedule when I was really just beginning!), and wanted to do more than just read my Bible I wanted to really dig in and study it. So I found a good commentary on http://www.blueletter.com/ (just in case this super cool resource is still around when you are reading this) and started digging in, verse by verse, writing down things of interest and things I learned about along the way. Often times while studying my Bible you girls will come looking for a hug or a squeeze and yesterday was no exception. Blanket in hand and thumb in mouth, Ryanne stood next to me while I did my Bible study. After a while, you decided to move on and look for something more exciting to do. I finished up and went on with my day. Late yesterday afternoon, I was wrapping up some last minute stuff for work and desperately needed to jump in the shower before we headed out for the evening, when Ryanne came up beside me with her purple sparkle Bible and a ball point pin. "I want to study my Bible mom, and write in it like you do. Can you help me?" This was one of those moments as a mom that you let out your breathe and say to yourself "YES! I am doing at least one thing right!!". I brushed my "to do" list aside and we dug in. Ryanne wanted to study the story of David and Goliath.
As I read the story from the Bible, Ryanne and I drew a picture of what was happening. It was so cute, she would add to my little stick figures as I was reading. Just too precious. When we were all done, I asked her "So what did you learn about God from this story?"

"I learned that God doesn't want us to be afraid." And so for the first time Ryanne wrote in her Bible. It's a day I will never for get!

I was equally excited this morning when Ryanne returned with her Bible, ball point pin and her two sisters, to find out what happened next! (A Parade, Attempted Murder & A Wedding!! Now who thinks reading their Bible is boring!! You go girls, you will find the very Spirit of God hovering on each page of the Bible and studying it will change your life forever! Kisses my sweet girls!! Love, Mommy

"I'm taking my dolls and going home!"

Good Morning my sweet girls! So listen, I wanted to talk to you about something I learned this morning in my time with the Lord. I have been studying the life of David for about a year and half now. I started in 1 Samuel 18 and have made my way through verse by verse to 2 Samuel 19 (where I am today). My oh my what a journey this study as been, I have learned so much and God has poured out rich fertilizer on my faith, that has caused me to grow in my love and understanding of Him and yet, I am only scratching the surface. Oh I pray that you girls will give the scriptures a chance, that you make yourself spend time reading it and studying it, even when you don't feel like it. It will bless you in ways you never thought possible. (Find a good commentary that will hold your hand along the way and pry open the meaning for you. I have used David Guzik for my study). Any who... I am only through verse 8 of chapter 19, but it has already taught me so much that I wanted to stop and soak in it for a while, really let it soak in because it is an area where I need to "grow up" in my walk with the Lord.

Let me set the scene for you. David has been King of Israel but his son (for reasons that David is partly responsible for) has effectively run David out of "town" and is seeking to kill him and take over as the new King. God in his mercy is faithful towards David and gives David's men a victory in their battle against Absalom (David's son), but Absalom is killed. David mourns for Absalom which is understandable BUT he takes it too far, it consumes him it's all he can think about, soon all of his men that bravely fought and won this battle start to feel ashamed of their victory and ashamed of the good they had done for Israel that day. One of David's commanders confronts David, calls him out and calls him out good (2 Samuel 19:5-7) tells David that he is making it clear to his commanders and his soldiers that they mean nothing to him, that David loves those who hate him (speaking of Absalom) and hate those who love him (all of his loyal supporters that had fought so bravely for him and for Israel). Then he tells David to get up and go comfort his men. WHAT? He wants David to comfort his men???? Did their son just die??? NO!! His son just died! Shouldn't they be comforting him!! Which brings us to verse 8, what would David do? I know what Mommy would do. I would be hacked off, how dare he come in here and tell me I'm wrong for feeling this way, "this or that" didn't happen to him today. Then I would start to list all the terrible things that have happened to me over my life time to justify why I get to wallow in my pain and hurt. I would squint my eyes as I called my friends and told them what a jerk he was for talking to me that way I would attack his character by saying things like "what kind of person kicks a man when is down, what a hypocrite he is, what makes him think he can talk to me like that he has no idea how I have suffered!" Oh yes, I do believe I would be all fired up! and by golly I would be justified! My life is HARD, I have had to suffer one heart ache after another, surely everyone understands why I feel the way I do. So, now that we know what I would do, let's turn back to David, a man who made a LOT of terrible choices, some of which lead him to be in the position that he was currently in, but has been referred to as a man after God's own heart. Let's take a minute to see how he reacted to Joab getting all up in his business. Verse 8 "So the King got up and took his seat in the gateway". He didn't get all pissy with Joab, he didn't pick up the phone and call his best friend and say "You'll never guess what Joab just said to me!" He didn't pout, he didn't get mad, he got up and did the right thing. He not only heard what Joab said but he listened to the wisdom of what Joab was saying and he applied immediately. "He got up"! I was deeply moved by this passage, I need to grow in this area, I don't like being told am I wrong, or that I need to do something differently and when I am faced with something difficult or down right crappy, I want to be told I have every right to sit there and lick my wounds for as long as I want too. The commentator talked about as christians we need to look different than the world, if we wallow in our situations how does the world see the Hope that Christians have in Christ?? It struck me on so many different levels. Listen, really crappy stuff happens to christians, their babies die, they have abusive parents, their husbands have affairs etc. and the stuff can make us feel terrible, angry, sad, alone etc. and that is okay and understandable. But David was mourning excessively, he wouldn't let it go. He wouldn't come to the place where he accepted that God is ALWAYS in control and God allowed this to happen and God was allowing David to be in this place in the midst of this situation. The problem wasn't with what David knew, that his son was dead and that he was partly responsible for what had ultimately lead to his death, but rather what he had forgotten, the victory of his men in battle, the restoration of him as king over Israel, God's grace and mercy over all the terrible choices David had made that had lead to this mess in the first place. My sweet girls, no doubt you will wake up one day and find yourself sit in the midst of a mess, pain, disappointment, fear, hurt and abandonment and it's okay for you to feel all of those things for a while, but there will come a time even in the midst of the situation that God will want you to "get up and take your seat in the gateway". A time where He will ask you to accept that "this" is where He has you right now and where you show the world that you love and trust Him enough to be "there" in the midst of the crap, but no longer sitting in it... walking through it, holding onto the hand of your Savior who is right there with you. So... mourn for awhile my precious ones, but then "Get up"!! I love you girls!! Mommy

Dear Jesus, Dear Lord & Dear God

Hello my precious girlies. Tonight my focus turns to Ryanne. You may be wondering about the title of this entry, "Dear Jesus, Dear Lord & Dear God". Lately, every time Ryanne prays this is how she starts her prayer and in light of the story I am about to share it seemed the perfect title.

Recently we took a road trip to Texas to visit with friends. One of your favorite activities was to swim in the hotel pool, I don't think we had a day that didn't include swimming. It was Thursday and we had spent the better part of the day at Six Flags. We wrapped up the day with some Cajun food and then it was back to the hotel for your "before bedtime swim". As we were walking into the pool, our friends called to tell us that they were not going to be joining us and were heading straight to bed, I must admit I was a little bummed and had wished that we had told you and your sisters that we would be skipping the night time swim as well; but it was too late for us, suits were on and floaties were in place.

This new pool (in Dallas) was 3 feet in the shallow end and 4 feet in the deep end. The pool at the Corpus hotel was 5 ft and you girls had been tearing it up. Swimming really well, so when you and Sabrina asked to take off your floaties I wasn't worried about it. You took the ladder back into the 4 foot end of the pool and were so excited to find that you could touch the bottom with your tippy toes. So you dipped your head into the water and pushed off the wall, you were doing just great, kicking your legs and paddling with your arms. I was amazed, again, to see how well you were moving across the pool, but when you came up for air you started to panic when you couldn't find the bottom of the pool with your toes. I knew that if you would just relax and straighten your leg you would settle on the bottom and be fine, but I could see that your mind was racing and you were gripped with fear. You dipped our head back under the water and headed back for the wall, just short of the wall you turned and headed back out to the middle of the pool. I stood on the edge of the pool trying to get you to settle down, to listen to what I was saying and to relax, but you were just too panicked and getting more and more panicked with every kick of your legs. It didn't help that Melia was freaking out and screaming your name from the 3' end of the pool. Daddy grabbed the hook off the wall and with one swoop he scooped you to safety. You cried for the longest time and as I went to bed that night I just wished I could erase the whole 5 second scenario from my memory. I hated seeing you so frightened. It broke my heart, and hours later I was still feeling the pain. I hoped that you would not be too frightened to get back in the pool. Falling out of the horse carriage and a rough ride on the kiddie roller coaster at The North Pole had already left you feeling scared and tentative to try many things and I did not want this experience to rob your little life of more joy.

That night when I went to bed, I was praying for you, praying that you wouldn't be scared of the water and for myself that I would be able to let the image of your scared face fade from my memory. True to form, God was standing by to take everything that happens to us and use it for good. As I prayed I started to wonder if what I was feeling is similar to what God must feel when I start to panic in my own understanding and fear. Is the Holy Spirit and Jesus calling out to me? “Cija, just relax and listen to me...” while I keep my eyes focused on my seemingly helpless situation, afraid and scared. Is God the Father reaching to get the hook to scoop me to safety if I can't calm down enough to listen to Jesus and the Holy Spirit's direction and instruction for help? How many times am I flaying around churning up the water when solid ground is just below me, a solid stronghold just a few feet to the left and my Trio of strength, goodness and hope watching over me, calling to me and hoping that I will focus on them rather than my situation.

Oh my sweet girls, my prayer is that as you grow in your faith you will realize you have nothing to fear, you have a Savior, an Almighty God and a Spirit of truth standing on the side of the pool with all the instruction you need and who is poised to rescue you when you don't have the courage to listen. Whatever is True (The Father, The Son & The Holy Ghost) think on these things...

I love you. Mommy