To do lists can't give hugs...

I wrote this entry several weeks ago and then questioned whether or not I should include it, but in the end I decided I would like you to have it.

It has been much to long since I have been here to leave a note for you, and even now my timing is terrible. It is closing in on 5:00, dinner needs to made and Melia you are scheduled to leave at 6:15 to go with friends to their church group tonight. But like most nights at this time, I am sitting at this computer, bouncing between AKI work, editing pictures for 3 Wishes, keeping track of friends on Facebook, taking a few turns at Bejeweled and going over all the things I should have done today and should be doing right now. The house is in shambles, my desk covered with bills, scrapbooking supplies, empty drinking glasses, things to be filed, papers that need to be address and stuff that doesn't have a "place". You girls are sitting in the playroom, relaxing in front of the TV after a day at school. The list of things I had hoped to accomplished today is for the most part just as it was this morning. No closets have been organized, the dishes have not been put away, the carpets have not been vacuumed, my bed is not made and the floors in your rooms are covered with yesterday's and the day before's and the day before's clothes. This can be a difficult time for me. Life so far has brought me to a place where I tend to measure mine value by the things that I accomplished in a day and a day like to day, when there is little to show for it tends to get me down on myself. Which causes me to wonder why, the seat in front of my computer is such a place of comfort for me... I'm drawn to it. Is it my desire to see if there is an email from a friend, or if someone has written on my wall, or commented on my blog, I guess if I were honest I would have to admit that perhaps I am looking to see if I have been noticed or thought about by someone out there. Sometimes the need to be loved can be overwhelming for a girl. Longing to be someone's BFF and sometimes that's not even enough you want to be several people's BFF, to have a boyfriend, to have lots and lots of friends on Facebook, to be the one that people call when they are having a bad day, to have an invitation for a party or holiday get together, to have friends that want to meet for lunch or chat on IM. In the world of technology you can get got up waiting and hoping for text message, email, evite or voicemail. Trust me when I say that I get it... that person is me. I like to be loved, needed, and wanted. I like to have lots of friends and to be the one that can be found on the top of each guest list. But girls I want to encourage you to be still, to cherish a few friends, so that you don't spend your life fretting over being popular (there are different more eloquent words for it as you get older but it all means the same) love deeply the people that God brings into your life, they will come and go and when they leave they may take a little piece of you when they go but the pain does heal and you are left with the memories that you will treasure forever. Forget about being what people think you should be, or completing a list of meaningless tasks for the day. Start each day in a conversation with the lover of your soul... Jesus! Ask Him to write your list of "Things to do Today", remember why you fell in love with your husband, hold your children, tell them all how much you love them, take time to day dream about them when there away from you, call a friend even if you think you might look desperate, smile at a stranger, be kind, notice the people around you and let the fruit of the Holy Spirit ooze out of you, in every look, every word spoken, every thought, and in every deed. Shower yourself in His love for you and then shower the ones that He has placed in your life. I love you, girls!!! Mommy

"Evan Almighty"

Hello my girlies,

Today was, well... an interesting day. I wanted to share my journal entry with you as it was one of those times when God helped me in the midst of my writing.

"Oh my goodness , what a day. I feel so yucky. I was so disappointed about the way the girls behaved today. Mostly because I feel that it is a reflection of me, but somehow that isn't sitting right with me. They are not put here on earth to make me look good, they were put here to do something for God. It is not their job to cross all their T's and dot all their I's so that I can pat myself on the back and show them off as little projects or pieces of artwork that I have created. If they don't like someone because of their age then that should be a signal to me that I need to teach them about loving others and about not judging. If they are aggressive and out of control then it should be a sign to me that I need to show them how to exercise self control and teach them how to use their words. This morning I woke up and prayed that I wanted to be a better mom and I foolishly thought it would be all rainbows and butterflies but the events of today has reminded me of a scene from the movie "Evan Almighty" when Evan's wife is talking to the waiter (who is actually God) in the diner. God says "Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" I did several things right today, I listened to what happened for all sides, and then I disciplined the girls but then I started to get upset about how this made me look and I lost perspective. Then instead of turning to God, I turned to my husband hoping he would stroke my ego & tell me I was a good parent and most of the time the girls are a great reflection of the great mom I am. But when he was equally as upset as me I felt even worse. It wasn't until I started to quiet myself before the Lord that I began to realize that they aren't my school projects to be ooo'd and ahhhh'd over, they are my children, whom God has given to me to train and teach. Their behavior is merely a gauge for me to know what areas we are doing good in and what areas we need to spend more time on. When I can fully realize that I will no longer find myself angry and upset about their behavior but rather determined to to allocate more time teaching and training them in those areas. God is GOOD! and by golly He answered my prayer and helped me become a better mom today!"

One day you girls may have kids of your own, and there will be days that you feel completely and totally unqualified for the job of raising those kids. Sometimes it not easy and we all wonder what the heck we are doing some days, but even when you blow it you can brush yourself off and try again! Mommy loves you! XOXO

A Yellow Day

Monday was quite a day, filled with lots and lots of drama! But for the sake of this entry I plan to focus on my precious first born... Melia. Oh how I longed and prayed for this child, and she is more beautiful than I can express. Gorgeous on the outside and equally as beautiful on the inside. She is a girl's girl, at the age of 6 she already knows how to bat those eyes and can turn on a "come hither" strut when she wants too! Scares the crap out of me quite frankly. The boys will be intoxicated by her for sure.

But Monday... well Monday was a "Yellow day". Melia is currently in the 1st grade, she loves school, mostly recess of course, but she also likes lunch and computers! This is the second year that Melia has had Mrs. Meeks for a teacher, and Melia delights in making Mrs. Meeks proud of her. But on this particular day, while Mrs. Meeks was out in the hall tending to something else, another teacher was brought in to watch over the class. Unfortunately, many of the students assumed that this new teacher would not share Mrs. Meeks' standard of behavior and by the time Mrs. Meeks returned to the class room several names had been written on the board, including... Melia's. At the end of the day, when it came time to color in their "behavior chart", Melia was shocked to find out that she had been given a "Yellow Day". A spot on her, perfect record.

After we dropped off the carpool kids, Melia burst into tears. She was devastated by her "yellow day"! At first, she spewed reasons why it was not her fault and that Olivia was responsible, she had made her talk and she was the one that deserved to be yellow. As the tears streamed down her face I tried to explain to her that at some point it was her choice to answer Olivia and that she would have to take responsibility for her part. That did not help, she collapsed against the backseat, buried her face in her hands and sobbed. In just a few minutes we were home and I was feeling much of Melia's pain, and I could see that this sweet little girl was following in the footsteps of her mom and was becoming a very accomplished perfectionist. I had to take this opportunity to try and show her some truths about her Savior that at 42, I was just starting to learn myself. With my arm wrapped around her shoulders, I grabbed my Bible and walked with her to find a comfy spot in her room. I turned to Romans 3:23 and had Melia read the first several words "For all have sinned..."

"Who has sinned?" I asked.

"Everyone?" she answered.

"Yes, Melia. All of us have sinned, every single one of us."

"But not Nicole! She's the quietest girl in school! She will never have a Yellow Day! she interrupted with a fresh batch of tears.

I just wanted to scope her up, hold her like I did when she was a baby and rock her pain away. I so understood what she was feeling. But instead I looked her in the eye and explained to her that we all have yellow days. Every single one of us and that is why we need a Savior, someone to wash them away and to make them just as if they never happened. I had Melia turn to another passage in John. John 14:15 "if you love me, you will obey what I have commanded", oh I wish you could type with "tone"! I grew up hearing this verse over and over again, I heard it like a teenager boy saying it in the backseat of car to a girl he was trying to get to do things she wasn't ready to do "if you love me... then you will do this and this" (can you hear it?) But now, at 42 years old I am finally starting to realize that's not how Jesus said it at all, he said like this... "Cija, if you LOVE me, just LOVE me... then you'll do my commands, that stuff will just happen... I just want you to LOVE me, focus on loving me not doing everything right and perfect. This is a concept of God's amazing love and grace that I am still trying to fully understand, but I so want my little girls to grow up knowing how much their Jesus loves them and how He longs for us to simply focus on loving Him.

Every night at dinner, we go around the table and talk about what kind of day we had. I thought this was be a good word picture for Melia to try and understand the work that Jesus did on the cross. "Melia, picture God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit sitting down for dinner tonight. God leans forward to take a bite of the delicious meal that been prepared and asks His Son, Jesus, "So, what kind of day did Melia have today?" Jesus reaches into his backpack and proudly holds up your calendar and says "She did great! Another Green Day!!". Melia stopped me "But mom He would be lying." "No sweetheart, that's just it! That's why Jesus died on the cross for you! So that He could wash away all of your yellow days and make them just as if they never happened!! His blood covers them up and washes them away!!"

Oh how He loves you and me...

"Mr Darcy"

Hello again my sweet girlies! Today was a big day, the 1st day of school. Melia you started 1st grade today and you looked so hip in your "hannah montanaish" outfit! Sabrina you chose a cute little baby doll top with colorful ice cream cones all over it and a pair of glitter jeans and Ryanne you dressed up and in a black dress with white polka dots and bright pink bows for your 1st day of kindergarten. I was so proud of all of you!!

Well, today the clouds have scattered and things are feeling more back to "normal", but as a follow up to last night I wanted to share something with you that happened to me a few days prior to my 40th birthday...
I borrowed the movie "Pride and Prejudice" from my niece; it was painfully hard to tune my ears to understand the heavy accent and flowery speech, but I pursued and eventually I was able to lose myself in the movie. It is a beautiful love story. Elizabeth meets Mr. Darcy early on, and immediately forms opinions about who he is and what he is like based on his smooth and somewhat cool exterior. These opinions are only reinforced when she hears about two "things" he has done in the past, proving to her that he is cold and selfish and someone with whom she would never be friends. But life somehow continues to make their paths cross. At one point, he follows her through the rain and professes his deep love and affection for her. She in turn is mean and hurtful, lashing out at him with all of her preconceived ideas of who he is and what he has done. He is deeply hurt by what she says, but tries to defend himself and explain what "really happened", but in the end he turns and leaves as it is clear she has no intention of changing her mind. Much time passes and she is on a trip with her Aunt and Uncle; they go to visit his home, a huge mansion, she is nervous and pleads not to go, but after learning that he is in London agrees. While touring the house she runs across a bust of Mr. Darcy, you can see the deep regret in her face, she is ashamed of what she has thought about this man and the way she has treated him, she fears she may have falsely judged his character and his motives. She becomes separated from her Aunt and Uncle only to discover that Mr. Darcy has returned, she quickly turns and runs embarrassed for him to see her after how she has judged him. He runs after her, calling her name, and while she stops their exchange is brief. The following night he invites her Aunt and Uncle to dinner, where he learns of a tragedy that has befallen Elizabeth's little sister, of course Elizabeth and her family must leave at once. Sometime later, the situation with her sister is somehow and in a somewhat miraculous way is taken care of, and another sister is reunited with a lost love; Elizabeth finds out that both of these situations were resolved because of Mr. Darcy's influence. She is broken hearted, as she fully realizes how wrong she was about him and as a result of her doing she has pushed away her greatest love. She is tormented and can not sleep, so she goes out for a walk in the early morning to be alone with her sadness, then she sees him... Mr. Darcy, walking towards her with great determination, their exchange goes something like this...
Elizabeth - I couldn't sleep.
Mr. Darcy - I couldn't either. I am sorry to bother you.
Elizabeth - After what you have done, how can I take exception?
Mr. Darcy - Surely you know that I did it all for you. I tell you if your feelings for me have not changed from last April, say only one word and you will never hear from me again, but my feelings for you have not wavered."
She of course, looks at him and says nothing. She takes his hand and says, "I'm cold." He pulls her close and let his forehead fall to rest on hers.
It was simply the most romantic movie I have ever seen. Your dad immediately said "Man... that was a chick flick." I wanted to cry, he doesn't get it, that story made my heart melt and sore all at the same time. Mr. Darcy continued to pursue Elizabeth with great strength and passion despite her mistakes and unkind judgments about his character. As I climbed the stairs to bed, I thought “why did God make women this way”, so desperate for romance and so desperate to be pursued, when men are clearly clueless to how important this is to women. The Holy Spirit prompted me to find my copy of the book "Captivating", even though I was exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. Laying in bed, I scanned the chapter titles in the table of contents, I turned to the chapter entitled, "Romanced" and here is what I read "Think of the most romantic scenes you can remember, scenes that made you sigh (Dr Darcy walking towards Elizabeth in the early morning despite what she had done to him). Now, put yourself in the scene as the Beauty, and Jesus as the Lover. What does your heart do with that?" At first, I opened my eyes and pulled away from the scene, but the Holy Spirit nudged me to go back and try again. Soon I was standing in that field with Jesus' forehead resting on mind, tears streaming down my face. After all that I have done to him, all the wrong judgments I have made about him and his character, He continued to pursue me to seek me out in the early morning, to boldly walk towards me, in no way trying to conceal his desperate wanting to be with me. And then I realized, this is why God made women this way, because He wants "this relationship" with us, the men in our lives will never be able to fill this wanting in our heart's. He is the only one that can fill the deep and most tender portion of our heart. That night I went to sleep with the man who gave his life to save mine, holding me holding me close. I sang several choruses of "I love you, Lord", and then drifted off to sleep with my Prince of Peace.

Love you, girls... Mommy

Open Arms

Hello my girlies,
My heart is heavy tonight as I wonder when the time will come that you find yourself awake, and alone with your tears in the wee hours of the morning. I know that it will happen, I fear it is something that happens to all women, as we desperately seek to fill the gaping hole in our soul with all the insufficient items this world has to offer. Tonight went terrible wrong I am afraid, I had hope for and envisioned a much different outcome. I have been reading a love story lately (the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, in case you want to read it too), it has stirred my desire for romance; not created it, mind you. I have always had a deep well longing to be filled with words and acts of romance, but over the years I have tried not to dwell on it too much. Your dad, of course loves me, dare I even say that he adores me, but his ability to unlock that secret part of himself that would allow lavish outward showings of affections seems to elude him. I image it torments him almost as much as my longing for those affections torment me. Although, I must admit that 99% of the time that is a conscience decision I have to choose to believe. My wish washy emotions tug at me ever so hard to convince me otherwise. And so I think of you, perhaps 20 some years from now sitting somewhere in the dark holding yourself, trying to sooth the pain that seems to threaten to over take you, while no doubt your “knight” sleeps. Trust me when I say... I have been there, I truly understand the torment in your soul, that battle between hope and fear. I am 42 as I write this, so don't be surprised when after 16 plus years of marriage you and your husband are still struggling to understand one another. But as my tears have now stopped and the emotional swells of the evening are beginning to slow, let me encourage you... as I grow in my walk with God, more and more I am beginning to realize that the ache deep inside of us girls can only be eased by Him. Daddy loves me and perhaps he wishes just as much as I do that he could show me and tell me in a way that would ease the waves of fear and anxiety that crash against the cliffs of my soul; perhaps one day he will be able to find more strength to go there, but then again maybe not. But my sweet precious girls, I want you to know that there is a lover of your soul, One who loves and cherishes every part of you, who with out a single waver finds you completely and utterly breathtaking, who longs for you, who wants to listen to you with out end, who hangs on your every word, who never sleeps but waits for you to come to Him. Who fills the world around you with His gifts of love and who complied his word's for you so that you can read them over and over again. Go to Him, when you feeling this way, fall into His strong and open arms, feel Him hold you tight and listen as He reassures you of His deep and unending love for you. And when your soul is quieted by His love return to the man you have chosen and love him as you long for him to love you. Hugs to you my darlings... I love you so much. Mommy

Sabrina Fair

I have always wanted to preserve my thoughts, to be able to go back and remember, to give my daughters a picture into my soul when they are older or perhaps maybe even after I am gone. But the perfect way to do it eludes me. The perfect journal, a pen that flows under my grip, all remain unfound. The typed letters seem somehow disconnected and not personal enough, but I can't find a way to write fast enough for my hand to have the strength to sustain the stories. So, here I am again, trying to start again, wondering where this note will end up and will it ever reach the hearts of my girls.
Tonight my thoughts are with my precious Sabrina. Like the movie, she is my Sabrina Fair. Rich in beauty and deep in emotion, so deep that it seems the emotion is sometimes to much for her soul to hold and as the night falls it rises over the edge and torments her in her sleep. Since she was very young, maybe two, her dreams have brought her much distress, plagued with night terrors and more recently the onset of nightmares, which seem even worse than the first, as they seem to find a home in her memory and stir fear in her mind.
Last night, she came into our room around 4:00am, “mommy... I had a bad dream.” Afraid of encouraging bad sleeping habits, I have never been the kind of mom to share my bed, wanting to make sure that my girls would develop skills that would allow them to sleep soundly in any situation (something I have never been able to master). But last night I knew, call it mommy intuition, that she would not be able to find rest with out the added security of her parents. Frequently today, she would reveal parts of her dream... a mean witch, red spots on her face and so it was no surprise that only a few minutes after the lights were turned out at bedtime, that she appeared looking nervously over my desk, “mommy, I'm scared to have another bad dream”. My heart felt for her, I remember a stretch of nightmares that I had as a child and how I dreaded night time. I remembered that just a few weeks ago, I had hear a verse about real guardian angels. I don't even remember where I heard it, but I know the Lord brought it to mind so that He could comfort and minister to Sabrina's frightened heart. Psalms 91:11 For He orders His angels to protect you where ever you go (NLT) and then just a few verses down 91:14 & 15 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me, I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them.” As I explained these verses to Sabrina, I began to cry, as once again I was faced with the awesomeness of the God we serve; in a world full of troubles, He cared about a little girl with nightmares. I believe, His Spirit stirred with in me to help me find the promises of His heart to hers. As I told Sabrina about her Savior, I watched as her countenance changed; worry and anxiety were replaced with wonder and awe; and so... she sleeps.